Dark days

Today isn't a good day. We've hit a new low. The time feels like it's slowing down on the cusp of an impending doom.

I wish there was a way to preserve his dignity. Maybe it's a blessing in disguise that his memory wanes as much as it does now.

He said "I'm dying. I've seen people die before and they weren't as bad off as me. If Grace were here, this never would have happened."

The lucidity in his words is the most upsetting thing. The detachment I'm guilty of is what is the most unsettling thing. It's hard not to retreat from the gravity of the reality you face when caretaking in this type of situation. It's hard to stay emotionally present.

It's hard feeling so much. Not as hard as watching granddad struggle though, and there isn't a thing you can do to help him.